You Still Rock It Like a Badass (more responsibly): Welcome to Your 30s.

Oh, hello there! Don't you look mighty hip, yet respectable in your business casual attire which also covers up those nature-inspired tattoos very well. Like most of my friends this year, I‘m about to turn 30. People tell me, “30s are totally better than your 20s. You’re just more stable and you know yourself better.” Well, perhaps I do know myself better. The “more stable” thing, though? Don’t get me wrong, I'm excited to start a new decade so I can wipe some invisible slate clean, meditate on my true passions and hug people more, or something, but I still don't know exactly what stable means. My 20’s definitely were not perfect, but I did have a full-time job, more money saved, I blew my nose in actual tissues, lived above ground in a place without bars on the windows, and for a time even had a washer/dryer. Still, I am happier with life now than I was ten years ago, so game on, 30.

I have observed a few things that start to change though. These things start out small, usually by becoming overly controlling of your social activities. You don’t even realize you’re doing anything differently at first. Let’s use the example of brunch. In your 20s you do things like go to brunch because you’re lazy, hung over, and haven't had anything edible in the kitchen in weeks. When you reach your 30s, brunch is still a thing you do sometimes, but now there is heavy planning involved. You actually go home early on purpose the night before brunch to ensure that you are NOT hung over. You plan in advance for at least a week or two. You put it in your calendar, and you will make sure to get to the restaurant by 11 or 12, A) To beat the crowds of annoying hung over people, and B) You suddenly wake up naturally at 7am, even when you don’t have to. Sometimes you actually have to eat breakfast just to tide yourself over until brunch. This is the type of behavior you don’t want to admit to your retirement-age parents, because it will cause them to clap and squeal with excitement over having something new to bond over.

So, back to the endless planning of brunch. After 25 text messages, you will call your friend to confirm. The conversation from your end goes something like this:

- “Ok, cool so the 18th? Yeah…11:30 would be good, but let’s make it 12, cool. Yeah, no that’s great….I can still get some shit done afterwards. Oh, you’re right, that place gets crowded by like 1:30. WAIT. No…nevermind…well, it’s just are you sure you want to go there? (calmly) Well, I don’t know…I’m not totally sold on their lobster hollandaise. Ok, yeah, good idea. No, we’ll just brainstorm. E-mail me…yay, I’m totally looking forward to it too!”

Even after all that planning, there’s a 90% chance that one of you will cancel for a myriad of reasons. On the off chance that you are, in fact, very hung over the morning of your scheduled brunch you will have to just stay on the couch until 5pm nursing a mild headache while watching box sets of Northern Exposure. Personally, I’ve decided I’ll just spontaneously engage in what I like to somewhat euphemistically refer to as Epic Brunch. This is still brunch, but more awesome because it is domesticated, requiring less stressed out planning, and transformed into sitting around a table at someone’s house eating and drinking all day long with no makeup on, in pretty much whatever you just slept in. Up until recently, whatever I just slept in was also probably whatever I was wearing out the night before, and I had makeup on, but only because it happened to conveniently still be smeared across my face. I’ll keep those memories alive in order to remain humble by remembering what pain feels like, but for now if anyone is interested in having a spontaneous Epic Brunch sometime in the near future, please be sure to call, text, or e-mail me to plan it.